I want my family back

I am not sure why I am posting here, nobody I am pretty sure reads it or knows about it. But it's something I rather not post on Facebook when half of my family is on it. So I guess I will blog in a blog that hasn't been posted in aleast a year or so.

Anyways today wasn't a very good day, although I woke up feeling happy and ready to start the day, despite it was election day (But I kind of liked voting). My mother seemed to be in a pissy mood though, and throughout the day my mood plummeled down, it became worse when I asked her why our dog, Shandi was dragging her butt on the ground, she rudely retorts something about crap in her hair or something and was all like do you want to clean it? And she got pissy just because she repeated it five times when I said I was hearing impaired..

And then she said Yeah when you want to be....
WHEN I WANT TO BE! Does she freaking think I like this! That I like not able to hear anything or sit in a crowd of friends and fake laughs when I have no freaking clue what they said! Or even ask three times and not even freaking know what they said so pretending to say yes..

But that's not the point of this blog. The point was after walking out of the house to go for a walk in anger, I started thinking about other things.

See last night I saw my Uncle Sam, who is my Auntie Jeanie's ex husband and my cousin Aravin's father. He was an favorite Uncle of mine but I hadn't seen him in years, so I saw him then and we talked, he looked happy to see me and that not everyone in my Dad's side of the family shunned him off, something about my aunt telling them some crap about him but I never heard it.

So I guess today I got back to thinking about that. This family.. it used to be close or aleast I thought it did, I thought this family was the kind that wouldn't break, that if something horrible happen we would all band together and be a family, that even if some didn't get along, we would still be a family.

Of course from about when I was 21 and onwards I realized that was a load of crock. (I am almost 24 now btw). I know this is risky writing all this as there's a chance they would find it, I guess googling my name might come cross it, but I don't care right now, maybe they can see how affected I am, how much of my illusion was shattered and the family I thought I once knew, grew apart.

While family members have been dropping out of contact, namely my mother's side (Which is interesting, because two of the Uncles I used to always see, my Mum's brother I never see, one is on my facebook and I see he seems bitter, lost on family... I thought he was just a drunk or maybe being stupid.. but now I understand, if he's drunk it's probably because everything he might have believed in went to hell). I think the reality starting hitting me back somewhere when I was 20-21. maybe 19 actually.

My Aunt Lisa, who's my Mum cousin (Her and Sharon, another cousin of Mum's who is close to her) was the first to have stopped coming to our parties, oh our parties. Christmas, Birthdays, Easters even, infact when I was little we used to have them all the time. But anyways Lisa has a falling out with my Mum first, because her youngest son when he was like 12 was playing with a rake at someone's party, my Mum asked him to put it down and Lisa apparently got annoyed.

So it started a ridiculous fight. No I don't care who started it, why or whatever. It was stupid, you are family and should have made up. Which they sort of did but never really apparently. Then later on Lisa's sister, being Sharon had a huge fight with her, and that stopped Lisa and her family, husband and three sons (Who have not accepted my Facebook request except their youngest son, and I have seen their brothers and father comment so they use it. Thanks guys! It's nice to know you give a crap about the person who still considers you family!)

So we don't see them at our house anymore...... Despite it's not my other aunt's house so it shouldn't have stopped, but my Mum never really made up with her. I don't care what she did or what she said, they are sisters they should have made up... Here's something that broke my heart in a way, when I asked her sister, the same one about if Lisa died would she care...

She said no... So apparently this is what happens, you wouldn't care. That is the most awful thing you could say.

Anyways she was the start of it, or well for me it was. Then followed my Uncle Bala, my Dad's brother. He married a jerk (I am sorry but if this woman is intended to keep my uncle away from his family, including his mother who's like 70, his two sons and his other brother and sister then she deserves to be called this. NO she is not my aunt, Bala originally married my Mum's sister Diane and I still consider them my aunt and Uncle, far as I am concerned this other woman, who he only married like 4-5 years ago is a homewrecker.. No his divorce to his first wife happened 20 years before this so that has nothing to do with her).

She had about two girls too. Kicker none of us knew he was married until months later, infact I didn't know he was married until he had a pregnant wife. I remember there is a time lapse between the first child and second, how I know this? Because I never knew she got pregnant with the second child... Yeah I guess they are my cousins, but they seem not nice. Sometimes we see Bala and this family, and his daughters, my cousins never actually say hello to us properly or just weird. By the way this wife of his apparently hates how loud our family is. Well I say to her tough crap, don't marry him then).

This is followed by Jeanie's oldest son Shannon, who married a woman.. Kicker I didn't know about this (This is the part where I tell you my Dad's side of the family, and Jeanie is his sister are all Malaysians, my Mum's side is Australians), so these two Bala and Shannon married some Asian chick. Both seem to not like this side of the family. I haven't seen Shannon in years (But I cannot comment on his wife, I am not sure if it's because they live too far away or if it's because his wife is the same as Bala's). I know this, they have a son now which I never seen, but he was married like three months ago.

We only see these lot maybe on Deepavali day, an Malaysian holiday. If we are lucky.

Now comes the big one. I have talked about my aunt, cousin (Shannon) and uncle who I never see anymore, and the other Uncle (Sam, who I should say didn't know wasn't with Jeanie until AFTER my parents broke up).

Like I mentioned my parents split up, about two years now in 2010 which I dub the worst year of my life yet. This is how the conversation went. It was after June, after my birthday. I was talking to my Mum about something and then asked about Dad, I think it was a question and she said I don't know. Then I said well isn't your husband, she's like he's not (Because they aren't married) then I said boyfriend whatever, which she says he's not.

I thought she was joking, she wasn't.. She said we broke up like a month ago, so I took off to my room and sat on my bed, tears falling as I realized my parents broke up... Then my Mum comes here, and this is the part where you think we would have a heart to heart talk and promises of some crap with ice cream and cooking my favorite stuff.. No, this is where she says "And don't you post this on Facebook!" and leaves my room.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, it seems the cool and hip way to tell your kids about a break up is to just casually throw out you dumped him a month ago and then, when you are clearly upset and crying says don't post this on Facebook.. Also almost a year later she tells me she's dating some guy, who is my third oldest brother's father (The other two have the same father but not like me and my sister or my other brother). Who I think right now is sleeping on my mother's bed, on my father's side....

This is when my Illusion is completed shattered, my dreams of a great family gone. In a flash. The dream of my children with both sides of the family at Christmas, opening presents from their uncles, aunts, my aunts and uncles while me and my wife prepares the usual Christmas party for everyone. Where then the usual Christmas party we used to have before I was 22 would go on and the kids would run around with my twin sister, and two brothers children (I have another brother but he won't exactly be having any children)

It's gone, and I am so desperately trying to hold on to something. I made a photo album with most of my family from both sides in it (One with my Mum and Dad in it together as well). I still need some photos of Lisa's family, Sam, Shannon and Bala too, not to mention the Uncles and other members I haven't seen since I was a young child. I get you aren't supposed to hold onto the past but this.. It shouldn't have to be this way, it should be the way my family should be.

I have also organized a birthday party in June, at my church in Birkdale with both friends and family, both sides. Sadly Lisa's family won't come, but then again there's a chance Sharon won't because my Mum won't (Thanks Sharon, it's nice to know you love me enough to come.....), I guess I could still invite Lisa's family then, but would they come?

Then again my cousin Kyal, who is also my best friend and Sharon's son, told me that there's a chance not many of my family members won't come because it's a church... Another illusion shattered, you think my family would realized why I am doing this, understand I am just trying to have another way to have most of my family be there. Alright my Mum won't be because of my father but she hates parties though. But yet they seem to think hey who cares! Who gives a stuff he's 24 we don't need to come...>.> Yeah thanks for the support.

And last night I told my Dad's side of the family asking this if they were coming, my Uncle Kitty, Dad's brother was all like keep it at your age group and stuff, saying he probably won't come.. Do these people freaking understand what I am trying to do here? I am just trying to have like the way it almost was.

Alright Lisa's family probably won't come if Sharon's family is there. And my Uncle Sam? Probably not if Jeanie comes. I might able to persuade Shannon and Bala to come though, depending.

So I don't know.. the point is I just want everyone back. I want the Christmas we used to have and the birthdays, well usually mine and my twin sister or my brother's, the rest didn't really have birthdays here. I want my children Amber, Charlie and whatever I will name the second girl to know everyone the way they are (I have two grandmothers as well from both sides.. I don't want to go there about their mortality). I want my wife Katie, Tara, Amy, Ashleigh whoever the hell I marry and whatever name they have, be someone I have met in the past, the present or the woman I meet in the future to meet them all and bond. I want them to bond with my sister, sister in law and future in law like they do (Twin sister, brother's wife and brother's girlfriend who has a child with him, the middle does as well).

And this is just the family I remember prior to Lisa's family when they stopped coming. There are more, my Uncle Joe, Ray who I haven't seen in years. I have another Uncle named Larry who I am sure I never met but is my mum's brother. And then there's the nephew I never met, because my brother slept with a girl and can't ever see him really (I rather not say why to be honest) so that's another bloodline out there.

This used to be my family, and now it's all broken and I just wished things could go the way they were. Sorry for the long post but I had to rant..

And if should any family member stumble on this and read, before you reach that phone and to tell me.. Actually No before you reach the phone to my mother or sister or father (Because it's like this people, they have a question to ask me or they want to tell me something, they call one of them instead!) listen.. All I want is my family back, I wish so much I could have them and that we were all a big huge family. And that everyone will be present at my wedding (And my funeral.. If one family member is out of place after I die, whenever that is I will be coming back to haunt you.. See I can crack a joke while I am ranting).

Know this.. Aside from the fact I hope you aren't not reading this blog at all. I just want them all back, no matter what was said in here whether I said stupid or whatever. I love all of you, that's why that's all I want.. Before I turned 17 I didn't think much about it, but after 17 I realized what was the most important thing..... My Family. And now that is broken and shattered, not the way it should have been and the times before 17 when I spent in my room during parties playing the games I hate that, I wish I had more time to spend with the whole family like we did after I turned 17. So think before you start screaming into that phone.. How would you feel about all this? Place yourself in my shoes.. I love you all and now it's broken. And that is why I try to arrange things to do with my family, or every New Years and Christmas I let Lisa, Sam etc know even if my family has shunned them, I didn't and texted them with a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Years.

I guess this is the end for this blog, or well this post. Thank you for listening, if anyone was.


This blog was moved from my other blog to here, since it's less chances of my family seeing this.. It's probably best they don't, people can be irrational when they think this is a attack against them.. When all it is, is a guy pouring his heart out to probably no one who reads this (Unless Kary is:)) and just wants to let his feelings out after a bad day.

I am not a mind reader

*Rant, Caps insured*

Hm about a few weeks ago I was home by myself minding my own business when my dogs started barking. I thought like usual they are barking at no one until I heard someone knocking so I opened it to see my sister who apparently forgot her keys and gave me attiude for not opening it.

So I went to the toilet muttering If I open the door I get yelled at, if I don't open the door I get yelled at or get attitude. Somehow my sister hears that and yells at me (While I am in the toilet) and slams my bedroom door because I am in the toilet. So I get out, wash my hands and slam my door close because well she pissed me off by calling me self centered (How in the world did she even get that sentence is self centered is beyond me considering I was talking to my self. Which when I do MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!).

So then I hear her storming back from her room, of course this is actually typical unlike a normal sister she doesn't ignore the mutterings or ignore the slamming of the door (Which when she does it, nobody screams at her) tired of this I decide to place my bed against the door and stand behind where it would be....

Now maybe she takes steroids (jk) or my bed is lightweight but somehow she managed to open the door and the bed moves easily and she screams at me calling me a self centered bastard. Then she goes on about how she's sick and she has a sore back. So what I am a mind reader now? This isn't the first time she expects me to know when she is sick. Last year when she was doing the dishes and I came out to say hi she went psychotic on me and then started crying in her bed before lecturing me.. How was I supposed to know she had a cold? I am not a freaking mind reader! Yet somehow she misses the when I am sad or angry or can't stand being around her, and she calls me self centered (Trust me my sister is the most self centered, well second most self centered in the world and thinks the world revolves around her, gets it from my mother the temper and bitchy moods).

Now after she finished screaming at me she slammed my door and stormed away, so I open the door and slam it myself which she proceeds to make a scream (And I got scared that I thought her fingers got caught but no it's just her not able to ignore things). Now if this was the only time she was a bitch and expects me to know everything (And hello hearing impaired, watching TV + Dogs barking I am not going to freaking hear the door!).

So I run out of the house because otherwise I would do something I would regret. And then went to the petrol station and brought some chocolates and coke and gave it saying sorry to my sister...

But what was I apologizing for? The fact I was talking to myself (I have no idea how that first sentence that she went bitchy on would mean anymore then anything) or slamming my door. I didn't even say much to her, or the fact I didn't scream back.
And you know the worse part? She didn't apologize for calling me a self centered bastard which hurts. She barely ever apologizes for anything she ever says to me.

Not end of the rant.
In the following week on Thursday I had gone out down in the neighborhood and I don't know, I was ever so happy. I was singing to myself, even doing a little dance not caring what other people thought. I was happy, then I went home to eat lunch. As I went to the freezer my sis asks me why I am not going to my grandmother's house, because I had plans already made for Friday to go out to the shops long before she had told me this. And then she made it sound like I didn't care about them (They were in a car accident earlier in the year but I didn't go see them, I knew they would be okay), and at this point my happiness pummels to the ground.

So I walk out the door with her yelling at me. Halfway down the street you think that would get her to leave me alone, but no she proceeds to text me and tell me I am rude and selfish (I am sorry, does she drop a coin or so in those charity tins? Does she try to help people when she can? No I think that's me the guy who would give a homeless person 100$.)

Then I say fine I will come (So I don't have to deal with her) of course altering my plans, it's funny when she has plans I can't stop her but she drops the guilt bucket on me.

I am so tired of her, I am done with her and I need to get out of this house, I can't deal with her anymore. And answer me, do you think I am a selfish bastard?

Hilarious plan

This is just mostly a reference so I don't forget. On April 1st I plan on playing a April Fools Joke on my cousin, I am gonna ring him up and pretend I am a FBI Agent who wants to speak with him.


Then on my niece's birthday when my uncle comes over I am gonna do the same thing but have my cousin record his reaction while I am outside making the call. See a few years ago he pretended he was a cop when I answered the phone, I would love to get him back for that and FBI is more serious. I will call my Aunt first and tell her to give it to him.

Where do I belong?

I doubt anyone even reads my blog anymore since I haven't updated in almost a year but oh well.

I don't know who I am anymore, I am not the same person as I was 10 years ago, hell even 5 years ago. It seems like one by one my dreams are crushed and something out there loves screwing me around. I am gonna try writing a story, whoever I am, whatever my destiny is there's gotta be a reason why I write stories all the time. I gotta be someone.

Amber Benson, my favorite actress and a very nice person has done many things by the time she reached 24. Acting, Published a comic book, producing, directing and other stuff and I just wished I could be good as her well she's not perfect but I like it. Maybe I can be good, do things just like Amber. Sitting around and doing nothing cannot be my life, I refuse to believe that. I have got have some greater calling.

And who knows, maybe publishing a book (Not a crappy one, I will not settle for that) might able to get me to LA one, and maybe even somehow meet Amber Benson.

Comedy Shows

Random topic, just wanted to post something but not sure what. Anyways I really do like comedy shows, especially when I am angry or upset they manage to get me distracted and laughing again, The ones I watch are Everybody Loves Raymond, Friends, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Two and a half men and How I met your mother, pretty good comedies really. Wish however S5 and 6 of Bel Air would come out in Australia already.

Graphics Card

You know what is more annoying then having a crappy graphics card? Is getting one that is only slightly better but not that great.

See this story starts in January when I decided once and for all to buy a Graphics card, but I was stupid enough to tell my mum to buy it instead, she goes and buy a 100$ one (I would have brought a 300$ which probably would have been better). A GeForce9400 Graphics card.

Now I thought this would be the end of my troubles, and okay Fallout 3 now loads (But goes to desktop without warning at times especially after playing for hours), Oblivion doesn't crash as often (But still does) and the Sims 2 seemed to be fine (But still runs slowly, especially with large family). Now my brother and his fiancee (At the time, yes the same ones mentioned in the Wedding post) helped me put this card in, my sister in law told me that it might not work better since there are graphics card that don't run games.

And apparently it's this one, it doesn't run The Sims 3 (I haven't got that yet but I have heard), now I am gonna get another card and this time will be by myself and I will pay 700$ for the best one I can find if I have to (And runs even top end games smoothly, also I shouldn't tell anyone especially my sis who probably have a problem with it and tittletale to my mother>.> until I get it).

But my bro and his newly wife are on thier honeymoon and won't be back for ten days, I think around 29th June they might be back, or the 30th. However I will wait a week after they return before asking them to help me put a new graphics card in (If I have one by then).

So if anyone knows the best graphics card (For games like Fallout 3, Oblivion, The Sims 2 & 3,, I don't know what graphics card are used for other then that) or know someone who knows then please tell me.

Wedding

Well my brother's wedding was last Sunday, he got married to a wonderful girl named Stacey who I am glad to have as my sister in law.

The wedding was practially perfect, I want my wedding to be like that whenever I get married. I kinda miss it already lol, anyways besides my videocamera fizzing out and missing the ceremony nothing much went wrong. I was a groomsmen so my sis's boyfriend held the videocamera. I also did a wonderful speech that everyone loved, it was a surprise and a good one.